There is a heaviness. A weight on my heart. On my soul. It’s hard to see past the darkness. Past all that is broken and against me in this world. Most of this time, this feeling tempts my weakness towards depression. This time, with Good Friday approaching tomorrow, it has brought me to the cross, falling to my knees with my face to the ground.
This world is so broken. I am so broken. Sin is real. My sin is real, and I hate it. I hate it with a feeling that exists deep within myself that I never knew existed. And while I have grown and strengthened my personal faith and love for my Savior to a place of ultimate surrender and dependence on Him, a place where I can live secure in my imperfections and know that Jesus is victorious over it all, there are three very important lives that surround me everyday that I ache over.
I married an imperfect man, but a man made up of so much good and potential. A man made in the image of the one true God. His heart wants what the Lord wants for him and for this world. But cursed is he. Cursed are we. Especially those of us who desire what the Lord desires, we have an extra target on our hearts and minds.
I have two little children. My one year old has just begun his journey, and my other is almost four. Her target growing bigger as we do our best to raise her to know the Lord, His teachings, and hearts desires for her. While at the same time, her sin nature is growing stronger as she gains more knowledge of the world around her. They were born with both strengths and weaknesses. How are we, two imperfect and broken parents, suppose to succeed at raising them well, help them navigate those strengths and weaknesses, so that together we can do our best to keep them from some of the shackles that will try to capture them and keep them down? How do we get them to want nothing more in this life than to follow Jesus with every last breath within them? To want to put on their armor every day and fight with grand fierceness against the enemy of this world and every soul in it?
I can’t. I, on my own, cannot do a thing. Do you know how hard that is for me? The fury that it causes to boil deep within me? The very thing that brings me broken into more pieces at the foot of the cross than my own life and struggles?
Easter. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Easter. My life exists because of Easter. My life is saved because of Easter. My life is victorious because of Easter. I can because of Easter. Jesus Christ, Son of God, was and is and is to come. His promises are real and His words are truth. I don’t have to because He did all. He covers all. Where I lack and where I am weak, it’s been filled and made strong because it’s where He is able to shine brightest. Fear will not claim victory in my life. Jesus died on the cross so that I may approach Him in confidence, knowing that the enemy has no strong hold in my life. At the cross, all is made possible and new, for everyone, at any moment, Amen.