God has taken what has been 2016, so far, to show me new things, make stronger some seeds He’s planted already, and where and what he has next for me. For the first time in a while, it hasn’t involved things with my husband or children. Instead it’s been incredibly specific to the things God has designed and willed for me that are outside of my role as wife and mom. I’m grateful for the richness and depth of my relationship with my Lord to get to hear and feel His spirit in my life in this way. But, what happens when what is being revealed and communicated are things you don’t like or don’t want?

Well for me, there has been a good amount of fighting, wrestling, and debating with God. Of course, that doesn’t move God even for a second. He has remained that steady calm voice, repeating the same message He came to me with at the beginning of all this. (Yes, note taken that if this is how God handles this strong willed child of His, it’s the approach I should remain steady with for my own strong willed daughter He has placed in my life. But I digress.) The message:

Phoenix is your home base, your mission field.

Seems simple, but there is so much packed into what this means for me personally. I won’t be going into all of them, but for a long time, if not most of my life, I’ve yearned to be somewhere else. I’ve come to understand that I live in a vacation spot. I see a lot of what is great about living here, but it hasn’t settled that longing. I had kids and honestly thought about how I need to get out of here by the time my first born goes to kindergarten, because I don’t want to raise my kids here. We haven’t bought a house and I’ve always struggled on where in the city we would have our home base, in part, because of the anxiety and discontentment I feel in this city.

Just recently, my husband and I took a prayerful step to see if it was God’s will for us to leave here and plant our roots somewhere else. A week ago, the message was clear, we are supposed to be here. At first, I was unaffected. I’ve now realized that the relief of dealing with the logistics and process of moving my small children across the country covered the truth of what is deep within me. I still don’t want Phoenix to be my home or where I raise my children. God’s message:

Phoenix is your home base, your mission field.

I hear Him. My faith and love for my Lord are strong enough to know and understand that I’d much rather be living my life within His will, then blow Him off and step or force my way outside of it. But it’s hard and my heart is broken. I’m in need of an attitude check, heart change, and transformation within my mind. I need to not just know things, I need to allow and work at having them manifest completely within me. It’s going to take time.

Because God is good, there is a divine friendship He has blessed me with that began in Jr. High. I have watched her walk almost this exact journey recently. I’ve been so proud and encouraged by her journey and transformation (you can check her out on Instagram or her website here). But honestly, there was that dark hidden spot inside of me that was prideful and foolish to think that isn’t going to have to be me. Oh sin, I hate you.

So my journey has just begun. Hello 30s. Hello new chapter of life. Hello kindergarten paperwork that I finally picked up today for my first born, because I hadn’t wanted to accept the reality of what it meant for me personally. It’s time to stop fighting, wrestling, and debating and start renewing my attitude, mind, and heart.

What I’ve already learned and will remain truth in my life is that Phoenix isn’t my home. It’s my home base, my mission field. My home is not anywhere on this Earth. My Lord, and Savior has gone and prepared a place for me in heaven, where I will get to reside in his presence forever and ever. I will not be fully satisfied anywhere and I actually pray that longing for my permanent home never goes away until my work here is done and get to enter into that place. But again, until that time, God has created and placed me here with great purpose. I will continue to seek that purpose and fight against the lies and thorns in my life that will try and steal the joy and blessings that await me here.

**Featured in image: Phoenician tank– Dovetail Vintage and Book “Staying is the New Going”, by Alan Briggs